Billboard’s got this nack for making lists that make no sense to me. Here’s the rules for this one:
“Sexy” is a relative term — one man’s baby-makin’ music might be his woman’s soundtrack for a snoozefest. But there’s nothing subjective about this list. These are, literally, the 50 most popular songs about sex ever, as based on each song’s performance on the Billboard Hot 100 chart (from August 4, 1958 — the inception of the Hot 100 chart — through the Jan. 16, 2010 issue). Some songs are steamy slow-jams, some are hi-octane arena-rockers, but what they all have in common (and what got them on this list) is that the subject matter of each song is directly related to sex, in some way. No more, no less. Got it? Now let’s knock some boots.
Songs are ranked based on an inverse point system, with weeks at No. 1 earning the greatest value and weeks at No. 100 earning the least. To ensure equitable representation of the biggest hits from each era, certain time frames were weighted to account for the difference between turnover rates from those years.
Got that?
OK, given that, here’s their list:
| Rank | Song | Performer | Key Lyric |
| 50 | Urgent | Foreigner | “I’m not looking for a love that will last/ I know what I need and I need it fast” |
| 49 | She Bop | Cyndi Lauper | “Do I wanna go out with a lion’s roar / I wanna go south n get me some more” |
| 48 | Sexy Can I | Ray J & Yung Berg | “Then we take it to the bed, then we take it to the floor/ Then we chill for a second, then I hit that a** some more” |
| 47 | Freak Like Me | Adina Howard | “Cause I will be a freak until the day until the dawn/ And we can pump, pump all through the night till the early morn” |
| 46 | Me & U | Cassie | “I know them other guys, they been talking bout the way I do what I do/ They heard I was good, they wanna see if it’s true/ They know you’re the one I wanna give it to” |
| 45 | Wild Thing | Tone Loc | Took her to the limousine still parked outside / I tipped the chauffeur when it was over, and I gave her my own ride |
| 44 | I Want Your Sex | George Michael | “Every man’s got his patience, and here’s where mine ends/ I want your sex” |
| 43 | Dim All The Lights | Donna Summer | “Don’t leave even one drop, no do it tonight/ You know the moments are right, turn my brown body white” |
| 42 | Raspberry Beret | Prince | “They say the first time ain’t the greatest/ But I tell ya, if I had the chance 2 do it all again/ I wouldn’t change a stroke” |
| 41 | Rub You The Right Way | Johnny Gill | “Can you feel the magic in my hands/ When I touch and rub you the right way/ Stroke applied with tenderness/ When I hold and rub you the right way” |
| 40 | Slow Motion | Juvenile feat. Soulja Slim | “If you loving my bark let me bury my bone/ I got 4 or 5 bad merry b****es at home” |
| 39 | Feel Like Makin’ Love | Roberta Flack | “When you talk to me, when you’re moanin’ sweet & low/ When you’re touchin’ me and my feelin’s start to show” |
| 38 | Pillow Talk | Sylvia | “Ooh, I don’t wanna see you be no fool/ What I’m teachin’ you tonight, Boy, you’ll never learn it in school” |
| 37 | Pour Some Sugar on Me | Def Leppard | “You got the peaches I got the cream/ Sweet to taste saccharine” |
| 36 | Bump N’ Grind | R. Kelly | “See I know just what you want and I know just what you need, girl/ So baby bring your body to me” |
| 35 | Unskinny Bop | Poison | “You’re sayin’ my love won’t do ya/ But that ain’t love written on your face/ Well honey I can see right through ya/ We’ll see whose ridin’ who at the end of the race” |
| 34 | Sexual Healing | Marvin Gaye | “Baby I’m hot just like an oven/ I need some lovin’” |
| 33 | Love To Love You Baby | Donna Summer | “Do it to me again and again/ You put me in such an awful spin” |
| 32 | Lady Marmalade | Labelle | Voulez-vouz coucher avec moi, ce soir? |
| 31 | Slegehammer | Peter Gabriel | “Open up your fruitcage, where the fruit is as sweet as can be” |
| 30 | Work It | Missy Elliott | “You do or you don’t or you will or won’t cha/ Go downtown and eat it like a vulcha?” |
| 29 | Slow Hand | The Pointer Sisters | “I want a lover with an easy touch/ I want somebody who will spend some time/ Not come and go in a heated rush” |
| 28 | All I Want To Do Is Make Love To You | Heart | “So we found this hotel/ It was a place I knew well/ We made magic that night/ Oh, he did everything right” |
| 27 | Love In This Club | Usher feat. Young Jeezy | “Let’s go get undressed right here/ Keep it up girl and I swear/ I’mma give it to you nonstop/ And I don’t care who’s watching” |
| 26 | Romantic | Karyn White | “Under the moonlight, with the stars shining so bright/ Baby, my mind is on love when we get home tonight, ooh” |
| 25 | Smack That | Akon feat. Eminem | “Maybe go to my place and just kick it like Tae Bo/ And possibly bend you over, look back and watch me smack that” |
| 24 | Ignition | R. Kelly | “See, I’ll be doin’ about 80 on your freeway/ Girl, I won’t stop until I drive you crazy” |
| 23 | Do Me! | Bell Biv Devoe | ” Move to the Jacuzzi, ooh, that booty/ Smack it up, flip it, rub it down, oh, nooo!” |
| 22 | Freak Me | Silk | “Let me lick you up and down, ’til you say stop/ Let me play with your body, baby, make you real hot” |
| 21 | Shake You Down | Gregory Abbott | “I can’t stop thinking of the things we do/ The way you call me, baby, when I’m holding you” |
| 20 | Afternoon Delight | Starland Vocal Band | “Rubbin’ sticks and stones together makes the sparks ingite/ And the thought of rubbin’ you is getting so exciting” |
| 19 | Candy Shop | 50 Cent feat. Olivia | “I’ll take you to the candy shop, I’ll let you lick the lollipop” |
| 18 | The First Night | Monica | “Boy this evening, was it only me?/ Feeling completely, down to be open … for some satisfaction/ Didn’t want to say yes, for fear of your reaction” |
| 17 | Ring My Bell | Anita Ward | “Well lay back and relax while I put away the dishes/ Then you and me can rock |
| 16 | Promiscuous | Nelly Furtado feat. Timbaland | “I can see you with nothing on/ Feeling on me before you bring that on” |
| 15 | You’re Makin’ Me High | Toni Braxton | “I can imagine you touching my private parts/ With just the thought of you, I can’t help but touch myself” |
| 14 | I Want To Sex You Up | Color Me Badd | “Let me take off all your clothes/ Disconnect the phone so nobody knows, yeah” |
| 13 | Bad Girls | Donna Summer | “Friday night and the strip is hot/ Sun’s gone down and they’re about to trot/ Spirit’s high and they look hot/ Do you wanna get down?” |
| 12 | Lollipop | Lil Wayne | “Shawty wanna hump/ You know I like to touch your lovely lady lumps” |
| 11 | Honky Tonk Women | The Rolling Stones | “I laid a divorcee in New York City/ I had to put up some kind of a fight/ The lady then she covered me with roses/ She blew my nose and then she blew my mind” |
| 10 | Da Ya Think I’m Sexy | Rod Stewart | “His heart’s beating like a drum ‘cos at last he’s got this girl home/ Relax baby, now we are alone” |
| 9 | Kiss You All Over | Exile | “Gonna wrap my arms around you, hold you close to me/ Oh, babe, I wanna taste your lips, I wanna fill your fantasy” |
| 8 | Like A Virgin | Madonna | “Oooh, like a virgin/ Feels so good inside” |
| 7 | Do That To Me One More Time | Captain & Tennille | “Do that to me one more time/ Once is never enough with a man like you” |
| 6 | Hot Stuff | Donna Summer | “Wanna share my love with a warm blooded lover/ Wanna bring a wild man back home” |
| 5 | Let’s Get It On | Marvin Gaye | “Don’t you know how sweet and wonderful life can be?/ I’m asking you, baby, to get it on with me” |
| 4 | Too Close | Next | “Baby when we’re grinding, I get so excited/ Ooh, how I like it, I try but I can’t fight it” |
| 3 | I’ll Make Love To You | Boyz II Men | “Throw your clothes, on the floor/ I’m gonna take my clothes off too/ I made plans to be with you” |
| 2 | Tonight’s The Night | Rod Stewart | “You’d be a fool to stop this tide/ Spread your wings and let me come inside” |
| 1 | Physical | Olivia Newton-John | I took you to an intimate restaurant, then to a suggestive movie/ There’s nothing left to talk about unless it’s horizontally |
I kid you not. I did not make this up. The sexiest song of all time according to these people, this group of people, is Physical by Olivia Newton-John. Think about that, when these peeps are ready to make their move, they pop on some Olivia Newton-John. Toss in a little Captain & Tennille and by the time Starland Vocal Band is finished, they’re in the sack, guaranteed.
Honestly, this is too weird for me. Kinda scary. Check that. Very scary. In trying to understand this perverted, sick, disgusting list of lameness over decades, I read where they were constrained by rank. But, that in itself makes for a goofball list and they should know that. Not one single person on this planet thought that Afternoon Delight was actually sexy in any way. It was corny. It was so stupid and hokey you couldn’t help but love it. ”Sparks to ignite, afternoon delight”. I mean, come on Billboard peeps, the song was a joke! Physical was Olivia’s attempt to convince the world she wasn’t a goofball understudy to John Travolta. It didn’t work then. Some of these people are nobodies. They were unknown then, they had a freak hit, and they disappeared. As with any classic list, you need endurance. I’ve got some ideas for what I think would be a much better “sexy” list.
Now, for starters, I don’t pin myself in with some bizarre definition of what a sexy song is. Under absolutely no circumstances whatsoever would Urgent ever be considered a sexy song. None. He could be talking about getting laid, he could be talking about taking a pee. Anything with thugs in it is disqualified on my list. Scratch about 1/4 of their list for that. Additionally, if no one knows who they are now, scratch it. Flying solo doesn’t really get it for “sexy” with me either. I mean, the whole point of “sexy” is pairing up. Some songs are so sexy, me love them long time. Donna Summer deserves to be all over the list. However, it was “I Feel Love” that got her going, not “Love to Love You, Baby”. I Feel Love however was the first song I can recall that basically was nothing but a six minute orgasm. Debbie Harry would follow suit, but not quite as effectively. Jimmy Bufffett quantified the 80′s. Anyone in college during the late 70′s to, well, today, absolutely lives by Jimmy’s lead. It may not have been a #1 hit on Billboard, but it’s been in play since the 70′s, and people pay good money to hear it today. Love The One You’re With was the same for the 60′s. Young men decided not to shave, or wear deoderant. In order to get some they had to use harder drugs and and convince the babes to sleep with anything available. It worked occasionally. By the 80′s sex was about the only thing big hair could sing about, so I left them out for the most part due to over-saturation. Same with Rap. I think what’s left is still a lot more fun than what Billboard could come up with.
| ACDC | The Jack | She gave me the jack, but it sure was good. |
| ACDC | Whole Lotta Rosie | Aint no fairy story, aint no skin and bone, she’s given it all she’s got, weighin in at nineteen stone. |
| ACDC | You Shook Me | She told me to come, but I was already there. |
| ACDC | Touch Too Much | She had the face of an angel, smiling with sin, and a body like Venus with arms. Dealing with danger, stroking my skin, like a thunder and lightning storm. |
| Jimmy Buffett | Why Don’t We Get Drunk and Screw | I really do appreciate the fact you’re sittin here, your voice sounds so wonderful, but yer face don’t look too clear. So bar maid bring a pitcher, another round o brew. Honey, why don’t we get drunk and screw |
| Donna Summer | I Feel Love | Oooh, it’s so good, it’s so good, it’s so good. Oooh |
| Blondie | Atomic | Oh, tonight, Atomic, Oh |
| The Knack | My Sharona | Never gonna stop, give it up. Such a dirty mind. I always get it up for the touch of the younger kind. |
| The Raspberries | I Wanna Be With You | Close your eyes and be still. |
| Aerosmith | Big Ten Inch Record | Last night I tried to tease her, I gave my love a little pinch. She said now stop that jivin’, now whip out your big 10 inch |
| Aerosmith | Walk This Way | I met a cheerleader, was a real young bleeder, oh, the times I could reminisce, ’cause the best things of lovin’ with her sister and her cousin only started with a little kiss, like this! |
| The Raspberries | All the Way | I never knew how complete love could be till she kissed me and said “baby, please, go all the way.” |
| Heart | Magic Man | Try to understand, he’s a magic man, he’s got the magic hands |
| Crosby Stills Nash and Young | Love the one you’re with | If you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one you’re with |
| Lucina Williams | Righteously | When you run your hand all up and run it back down my leg, Get excited and bite my neck, Get me all worked up like that. |
| George Clinton | Atomic Dog | Why must I feel like that? Why must I chase the cat? Nothin’ but the dog in me |
| Ted Nugent | Cat Scratch Fever | I make the pussy purr with the stroke of my hand |
| Prince | Little Red Corvette | A body like yours oughta be in jail, Cuz it’s on the verge of bein’ obscene, Move over, baby, gimme the keys, I’m gonna try 2 tame your little red love machine |
| Prince | Darling Nikki | I met her in a hotel lobby masturbating with a magazine. She said how’d u like 2 waste some time. And I could not resist when I saw little Nikki grind |
Im totally with you on this one. Some of the tunes on their list were just lame. One that neither you or they mentioned was Musiques “Push Push, in the Bush”. Great Disco hit. I hated disco back in the day but Ive learned to tolerate it more in my old age. LOL
That’s sort of my point with this thing. Pop music has been about pushing barriers for about two generations now. To assume a handful of people did is kind of ludicrous. That’s all some bands ever sang about.
When disco first hit, I loved it. Donna Summer’s sound was very full, very rhythmic, and left a lot to suggestion. She didn’t yell out to the world she was having an orgasm thanks to some fake bad boy who talks smack. All she said was oooh, it feels so good, ooooh. You fill in the rest. As with anything new and exciting, as soon as Donna made some money with it, every hack had to take a stab at it. Before too long the only thing you had were synth drums and bass. When Kiss went disco, it was dead. I hated it A LOT by that point. Now, compared to hip hop and rap, it’s classic. I’m not ashamed to admit I still have “I Feel Love” and “Nights on Broadway” on my iphone top 400 list. The amazing thing is I only have one of their top 50 sexiest songs of all time.
What I don’t have
“Last night a little angel, came humping on the floor.”
B. Idol