Moonage Webdream

I found another one of those amazingly stupid pages that becomes even more amazing when you realize they are serious.  It starts with this warning:

One of the most dangerous ways homosexuality invades family life is through popular music. Parents should keep careful watch over their children’s listening habits, especially in this Internet Age of MP3 piracy.

And then lists those “bands” that will make you gay.  Some of them are pretty shocking:

•  
  • The Spores (endorse suicide)
  • Scissor Sisters
  • Turbonegro
  • Rufus Wainwright
  • Merzbau
  • Ravi Shankar
  • Wilco
  • Bjork (mb)
  • Tech N9ne
  • Ghostface Killah
  • Bobby Conn
  • Morton Subotnik
  • Cole Porter
  • The String Cheese Incident
  • Eagles of Death Metal
  • Polyphonic Spree
  • The Faint
  • Interpol
  • Twisted Sister (jj)
  • Tegan and Sara
  • Erasure
  • The Grateful Dead (drugs too)
  • Le Tigre
  • Marilyn Manson (dark gay)
  • The Gossip
  • The Magnetic Fields
  • The Doors
  • Phish
  • Queen
  • The Strokes
  • Morrissey(?questionable?)
  • Metallica
  • Judas Priest
  • The Village People
  • The Secret Handshake
  • The Rolling Stones
  • David Bowie
  • Frankie Goes to Hollywood
  • Man or Astroman
  • Richard Cheese
  • Jay-Z
  • Depeche Mode
  • Kansas
  • Ani DiFranco
  • Fischerspooner
  • John Mayer
  • George Michael (texan)
  • Angel Eyes
  • The Indigo Girls
  • Velvet Underground
  • Madonna
  • Elton John
  • Barry Manilow
  • Indigo Girls
  • Melissa Etheridge
  • Eminmen
  • Nirvana
  • Boy George*
  • The Killers
  • Lou Reed
  • Lil’ Wayne
  • Motorhead
  • Jill Sobule
  • Wilson Phillips
  • DMX
  • Wesley Willis
  • Lisa Loeb
  • Ted Nugent (loincloth)
  • Dogstar
  • Thirty Seconds to Mars
  • Lil’ Kim
  • kd lang
  • Frank Sinatra
  • Hinder
  • Nickleback
  • Justus Kohncke
  • Bob Mould
  • Clay Aiken
  • Arcade Fire
  • Bright Eyes
  • Corinne Bailey Rae
  • Audioslave
  • Red Hot Chili Peppers
  • Panic at the Disco
  • The Cure (makeup)
  • Spin Doctors
  • The Deers
  • Lindsey Lohan
  • The Smiths
  • Beck
  • Tom Waits
  • The Cramps
  • Cannibal Corpse
  • Britney Spears (kissed Madonna)
  • Perfect Sin
  • The Queers
  • NoFx(gay punk)
  • Soup Dragons
  • Elton John(really gay)

They almost got me thinking there was some real content here when they showed two pictures of Metallica gays tonguing each other, but that’s about it for real content.  I mean, TED NUGENT makes you gay?  My gawd.  Lemmy of Motorhead is supposed to be one of the most prolific males of modern history.  How does listening to him make you gay?  I mean, Kansas?  They all converted to Christianity and sang about that.  How does THAT make someone gay?  The Grateful Dead?  Jerry Garcia had kids by three women.  The list goes on and on and makes little to no sense.  I mean, they totally ignored the greatest turning gay song of all time, Lola by The Kinks.

I met her in a club down in old Soho
where you drink champagne and it tastes just like Cherry Cola
C-O-L-A Cola.
She walked up to me and she asked me to dance.
I asked her her name and in a dark brown voice she said, “Lola”
L-O-L-A Lola, lo lo lo Lola
Well, I’m not the world’s most physical guy,
but when she squeezed me tight she nearly broke my spine
Oh my Lola, lo lo lo Lola, lo lo lo Lola
Well, I’m not dumb but I can’t understand
why she walks like a woman and talks like a man
Oh my Lola, lo lo lo Lola, lo lo lo Lola
Well, we drank champagne and danced all night,
under electric candlelight,
she picked me up and sat me on her knee,
She said, “Little boy won’t you come home with me?”
Well, I’m not the world’s most passionate guy,
but when I looked in her eyes,
I almost fell for my Lola,
Lo lo lo Lola, lo lo lo Lola
I pushed her away. I walked to the door.
I fell to the floor. I got down on my knees.
I looked at her, and she at me.
Well that’s the way that I want it to stay.
I always want it to be that way for my Lola.
Lo lo lo Lola.
Girls will be boys, and boys will be girls.
It’s a mixed up, muddled up, shook up world,
except for Lola. Lo lo lo Lola. Lo lo lo Lola.
Well I left home just a week ago,
and I never ever kissed a woman before,
Lola smiled and took me by the hand,
she said, “Little boy, gonna make you a man.”
Well I’m not the world’s most masculine man,
but I know what I am and that I’m a man,
so is Lola.

Now, is that gay enough?  I mean, surely that’s more gay than, say, Wang Dang Sweet Poontang.  But wait, it gets even better.  They go on to list a suggested listening of “Safe Bands”.  Believe it or not, featuring Cyndi Lauper, singer of “She Bop”.  Now, “She Bop” has a special place in music history, it was one of the “Filthy Fifteen” that led to the Music Rating System.

But, when someone labels a page “God Hates Fags! Love Gods Way”, I get a pretty quick clue what I’m in for.  Thinking Cindy Lauper is safe for kids and Ted Nugent’s gay is the least of their problems.

We could have some real fun with this tho, I’ve listed mine, now tell me your favorite song ( or artist ) that would make people gay.

( Also, if anyone wants to fill me in on how some of these bands make you gay, I’m all ears.  Some are obvious like Frankie Goes to Hollywood.  Some like Motorhead and Ted Nugent seem absured to the point of surreal.  So, I am definitely all ears. )  However, I’ve never heard the social/medical theory that listening to something could make you gay.  Being a fan of several gay artists, I tend to think the creator of this list is nuts.