Moonage Webdream

Looking at things that probably don’t need to be looked at

May-16-05

VH1 Greatest 100 of Hard Rock?

VH1 runs these incredibly poorly designed "Greatest" lists.  They recently rant the "Greatest 100 Artists of Hard Rock".  A friend of mine dropped in and we discussed it.  He was laughing so hard about it that I had to look it up.  He was right.  This thing is incredibly bad.  "Bad Brains" is one of the 100 Greatest While Mick Ronson’s not even on here?  Quiet Riot makes it for doing a Slade song a little softer.  Lenny Kravitz gets on here for doing a Guess Who song worse.  Spinal Tap aren’t even human, they’re fictional.  Most of the bands won’t be remembered five years after they’re gone.  I mean, Fugazi?  Lita Ford?  Bad Brains?  Living Colour?  The Misfits?  And for that matter, Metallica.  People aren’t emulating Metallica, they’re emulating the bands Metallica emulate but won’t admit to.  Those are the bands that should be in the Top 100, but aren’t.  And for that reason, this list flunks.  It flunks about like that stoner in every class that thinks he’s cool just because he’s stoned.  What happens if he’s not stoned?  He’s just stupid and not stoned.  This list is stupid and not stoned.  I don’t know what their criteria is.  Bands from any genre are in there or not.  There apparently is no definition for "Hard Rock" according to VH1, anyone can be in it if VH1 wants them in it.  It just sucks.  I wish some music organization would take themselves serious enough to do this right.

100 Quiet Riot Rather than salute Quiet Riot for "Cum On Feel the Noiz", why not salute the band that did it first and pretty much the same?  Slade did a much better job with the song.  Where is Slade?
99 Bad Brains Who the hell is this?
98 Mountain Needs to be MUCH higher.  Bands today are still compared to Mountain.
97 Primus Who cares?  What did they ever do?
96 Meat Loaf Meat Lead is pop.  Not even rock.
95 Fugazi Who the hell is this?
94 Yes Yes is "Hard rock?  Gimme a break!
93 Lenny Kravitz Lenny’s biggest hit is "American Woman".  Why not just salute The Guess Who?  What’s that, they’re not here either?
92 The Black Crowes One hit.  I wouldn’t even call it hard rock.  I call it Southern Rock.
91 The Misfits Who the hell is this?
90 Rainbow Most over-rated band in history.  Quick, name a Rainbow hit.
89 Lita Ford Joan Jett Wannabe.  Her only hit wasn’t hard rock.
88 Tool Sheez.
87 King Crimson Over-rated and forgotten.
86 Foreigner About right.
85 Whitesnake ( wiping tears from my eyes ).  Later.
84 UFO ( Still wiping tears ).  Yeah, those hard rock GODS.
83 King’s X Oooohhhh Kayyyy.
82 Queensryche Over-rated and forgotten.
81 The Pixies No one ever really liked the Pixies.
80 Green Day About right.
79 Ratt Big Hair was not Hard Rock.  It was distorted pop.
78 Marilyn Manson Industrial Rock is not Hard Rock.  Hard rock features singers.
77 Hole What has she EVER done that puts her in this category?
76 Bon Jovi Big Hair was not Hard Rock.
75 Spinal Tap These guys were fictional characters.
74 Pat Benatar ( wiping tears from my eyes ).  Later.
73 Twisted Sister OK, so they were hard rock.  But how many albums does it take to get on this list?
72 Foo Fighters Not Hard Rock.
71 Lynyrd Skynyrd 71?  Free Bird only merits 71?  These guys defined a rock generation and all they get is 71?
70 Living Colour Give me a freakin break.  If these people think Living Colour and Megadeth are greater than Lynyrd Skynyrd, this thing is going nowhere but down.  It’s already sucking pretty bad too.
69 Megadeth Who the hell ever actually liked Megadeth?
68 Hüsker Dü Local cult act is about all they ever managed.
67 The Rolling Stones 67? 
66 Joan Jett 66?  Let’s see.  The Rolling Stones have sold albums for about 40 years.  They’re touring again this year.  Joan Jett made what, 2 albums?  What made her "great"?
65 The Cult The Cult are not Hard Rock.
64 Steppenwolf One hit gets them 64, about 100 hits get the Stones 67.
63 Boston Corporate rock with a bang.  But, I don’t really consider them "hard rock".
62 Ministry Who the hell is this?
61 Jethro Tull This has got to be the longest running joke in rock.
60 The New York Dolls The only thing the Dolls did was wear dresses before Ziggy.  That’s it.  Where is Mick Ronson on this list?
59 Bad Company I would have had them higher.
58 Anthrax Give me a break.  What is their accomplishment again?
57 Heart Should be higher.
56 White Zombie Give me a break.  What is their accomplishment again?
55 Blue Öyster Cult Not really hard rock.
54 Sonic Youth Give me a break.  What is their accomplishment again?
53 Korn Their only contribution to rock is showing that you truly can make a living knowing only one word.
52 Faith No More 52?  Epic.  That’s it.  Put them about 90 for proving a hard rock song could still make in the world of rap.
51 Thin Lizzy About right.
50 Slayer About right.
49 The Smashing Pumpkins Over-rated and forgotten.
48 Janis Joplin About right.
47 Rollins Band Rollins Band over Lynyrd Skynyrd?  Henry will tell you that ain’t right.
46 Scorpions Give me a break.  What is their accomplishment again?
45 Pantera Give me a break.  What is their accomplishment again?
44 ZZ Top Under-rated
43 Nine Inch Nails Give me a break.  What is their accomplishment again?
42 The Kinks Under-rated
41 Ted Nugent Under-rated
40 Stone Temple Pilots Over-rated and forgotten.
39 Crazy Horse ( wiping tears from my eyes ).  Later.
38 MC5 Give me a break.  What is their accomplishment again?
37 The Yardbirds Not Hard Rock.
36 Frank Zappa Not Hard Rock.
35 Jane’s Addiction Over-rated and forgotten.
34 Alice in Chains Over-rated and forgotten.
33 Rage Against the Machine Over-rated and forgotten.
32 The Doors OK I guess for the purposes of a popularity poll, which is all this truly is.
31 Def Leppard About right.
30 The Red Hot Chili Peppers Under-rated
29 Mötley Crüe ( wiping tears from my eyes ).  Later.
28 Rush Over-rated and forgotten.
27 Iggy Pop About right.
26 Motörhead I don’t know that I would call these guys Hard Rock.  Heavy metal is more appropriate.
25 Cheap Trick Over-rated for the purpose of this list.
24 Iron Maiden About right.
23 Judas Priest Not Hard Rock. ( Heavy Metal )
22 Deep Purple Over-rated.
21 Pearl Jam Over-rated and not hard-rock ( grunge ).
20 Alice Cooper About right.
19 The Clash I thought Punk was Punk?
18 Ozzy Osbourne Heavy metal
17 The Ramones About right.
16 Cream About right.
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