Moonage Webdream

There’s nothing new to this.  Every time some teen starlet emerges, along comes her family in waves.  It happens to the guys as well, think Shaun Cassidy and the like.  What strikes me is how much worse the sibs are today than in yester year.  Ashlee Simpson seems to tbe the epitome of unfortunate sibs.  First we had the SNL jig.  Now, we have the Orange crash. You can watch some of it if you dare. Listen carefully for the “YOU SUCK!” at the end. It’s priceless. CAUTION: Small children should not be exposed.

While a new year has begun, Ashlee Simpson hasn’t exactly put the old one behind her. Last night at Miami’s Orange Bowl, the singer — who was widely mocked after a technical problem revealed she was using pre-recorded vocals during her October Saturday Night Live performance — was booed on national television as she took the field to perform her latest single “La La.” The song ended to an even stronger chorus of boos, with the camera quickly cutting away from the pop star.

Now, anyone can sound good in a studio, that’s what studios are for.  However, it’s when an entertainer performs that the cream is seperated from the crop.  In Ashlee’s case, she has definitely seperated herself from the crop.  She sucks.  After the SNL debacle she blamed everything from her band playing the “wrong song” to acid reflux.  Clue here, real entertainers get past that.  Not sure what diversion she’s going to blame after the Orange Bowl, everything went perfect, she just sucked.

Now, we’ve got Jamie Lynn Spears prepping to to figure whether she wants to go to LSU or be a tv star:

While Jessica really got her fame from looking very very pretty and doing just enough to justify being in some media so that she can show us how pretty she is, Ashlee doesn’t have that going for her.  Ashlee should have followed Jessica’s lead, but went the “serious performer” route.  Problem is, she’s not a serious performer and the world has her pegged.  You don’t see Jessica belting out pop rock, you see her discussing tuna.  Smart move Jessica, bad move Ashlee.  Follow Jessica’s lead.

In the case of Jamie Lynn Spears, shes’ doing teen pop shows.  Ergo, looking cute and not much else.  Her sister got her start by:

 

You got it, looking cute and not much else.  She’s never screeched while singing, and has measured the amount of flesh we get see.  Now that she’s grown out of the cute school girl age and looking to establish her future personna, we’ve gotten a little weird:

 

OK, now I think Jamie Lynn’s cute as a button.  However, at this point, she definitely doesn’t have the same assets Britney does.  Not yet anyway.  Here’s my suggestions for eternal happines for Jamie:

• Don’t sing unless you KNOW you can.
• Don’t run around professing to have made it on your own talent, you didn’t.
• Don’t intentionally “establish your own identity”.  Your sister has done extremely well by not doing anything spectacular.  Whether you like it or not, you two have pretty much exactly the same genes.  You can deal with that on your own time.  Commercial time, be like Britney, it works.
• Figure what you do best and stick with it.  Ashlee was doing great on tv, singing has ended it for her.  Doing silly tv shows may not be the most glamorous thing to do, but it pays the bills.
• Don’t go for shock value just to show us you’re growing up.  Drew Barrymore barely lived through hers and looks a lot worse for the wear and tear.  Britney making out with older babes didn’t really do her any good. 
• If you do go for shock value, do it with girls your own age.
• Don’t give up the day job just yet ( go to LSU ).

That’s all I can think of right now.   I’m sure others will have ideas as well.

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