Moonage Webdream

I talked to the state about our recent re-certification for a particular service we provide, but I don’t like. They certified us last year, but never gave us any policies and procedures. We’re just winging it. During this re-certification they complained about a certain policy we had. They were reading the wrong company policy manual. I informed them of this. They felt this alternative policy to a service that didn’t affect them was in conflict with the policy they never gave me. I assured them that the policy has nothing to do with them therefore does not conflict with the policy we’ve never seen. They were not happy with that answer and wanted me to clarify our policy in regards to their policy. I assured them that since they had required no policy, we had never written one. So therefore, the policy that we didn’t write could not conflict with the policy they had never written. They still were not happy and wrote us up on the issue. In my response to their requesting more clarification on the policy we didn’t have in regards to the policy they never wrote, I responded “N/A”.My boss signed off on it.

( Follow-up: The week of May 13, 2003, more than TWO YEARS after this incident, we got a letter stating they are examining the issue and will get right back with us. I swear on anything you want this stuff is true. )

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Today at work, I was given a letter stating that although our original appeal against a former employee had been awarded, the person was now appealing the appeal, since they never technically quit. They just quit coming to work. The appeals board apparently felt this was good enough to have someone drive 75 miles to appear in front of the appeals board to prove, that, yes, in fact, they just quit coming to work, but no, they didn’t technically quit ( you don’t get benefits if you quit ). I felt particularly put out by this whole scenario since the person never even worked for my company in the first place. Ever. The person being subpoenaed in order to testify that the other person never technically quit, has never worked for my company either. I called the state to inform them that the person that never quit had never actually worked there, and the person they chose to testify that the person that never quit had never worked there also never worked there either, so therefore I had no evidence to prove that the person who quit that never worked there actually did quit. They had to investigate my assertion and call me back.

I haven’t received the call yet.

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With friends like these, who needs enemas?

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When I was in high school, four of my friends and I decided to go hunting. Being the true hunters we were, each one got a rifle with one bullet only, and a fifth of bourbon. This was to be a 2 day trip. The first day went by slowly, so we worked more on the bourbon and trying to get a fire going ( it was raining to some degree ). Now, when it rains in the woods, the next morning is foggy. Not your smoggy dirty city stuff, but kind of a myst hanging over everything, it’s cool to see. So anyways, we’re drinkin, gossiping, singing, doing everything that a good hunter never does, because we’re that good, and don’t need any more unfair advantage. Early in the afternoon or so, me and another friend were sitting on a log and he asks me to look in a certain direction and tell him quietly if he was indeed seeing a deer. I looked in the general direction and sure enough, it was a deer, lookin right at us from about 30 feet or so. Deer are pretty dumb, so one looking right at two guys with lots of bourbon and rifles didn’t strike any of us as odd. So, my friend whipped up his rifle and with one single shot nailed that deer literally right between the eyes. Of course the deer jerked his head back and we had to fetch our dinner. I had never shot a deer before, but this sounded really odd, not what I thought a deer would sound like. It sounded more like a guy squawling than an animal. Kinda creeped me out at the time. So anyways, we’re getting out stuff to hunt down and skin our meal when Jim comes flying out of the woods screaming like a banshee, throwing stuff at us, cussing unintelligently at us, with his hand on his crotch, no pants, and these stupid as hell underwear with a deer’s head on it. We had shot the tip of his pecker off.

That was the last time I ever went hunting for deer.

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Was just outside shooting basketball with my ten year old step-daughter. I gave her a body block, stole the ball, and decided to go for a long, long, long 3-pointer from the next door neighbor’s front yard. The ball arched through the air as the most graceful bird god ever created swooped aimlessly through the skies. And then unfortunately that bird landed on the rim just as this downtown 3 pointer missed the center by just enough to actually sever the bird’s head from it’s body.

I immediately thought this might be the opportunity to explain some real-life anatomy to the 10 year old girl. She wasn’t interested.

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Probably a good idea to show you all where I live. I think this because it affects who I am and how I think. I don’t believe in conspiracy theories probably because I get my spiritual guidance from the mountains, rivers, and lakes. No matter how bad man messes up, how bad a terrorist attack, global warming, or nuclear holocaust, the Earth will right itself. The Earth has nothing to fear from man. Man needs to make sure he can survive on Earth. Once man’s gone, the Earth will keep on going until the Sun blows itself up. That should be a while. So, I don’t really worry a lot about what man does to man. Because of that, I take a very pragmatic approach to debates. If I lose the debate, I just head out to the lake and it’s forgotten anyway.

So, enjoy:

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